Category: Parent Talk
An acquaintance of mine worries that his blindness has stigmatized his teenage children. He has been shunned, insulted, blamed, and all but publicly disowned, by his offspring. Many people like him who have adventitiously lost their sight experience the five stages of grief. They fret over their handicap as shame assails them and, consequently, they impact their children’s well-being.
Girls and boys of all ages transit through different phases. The constant teasing, learned prejudices and stereotypes encountered amongst their peers inevitably teaches them shame.
Social stigma has many forms. One can suffer public ridicule as a result of his or her family ties, social status, etc. A devout Muslim, for instance, might embarrass his school-age daughter simply by how he looks. Likewise a boy might suffer humiliation simply for having gay parents. Or a confused child may be pressured to view his or her recently blinded father as an embarrassment. The feeling of shame and humiliation is similar in all cases, but the severity and cause vary. Some embarrassment is normal for most children.
My encounters with blind folks, particularly blind parents, are few. Whether or not the children of parents blind from birth ever exhibit this type of behavior is hard to say, but not impossible to imagine. Whereas a parent whose blindness is from day one will be viewed as confident and adapted, a parent whose condition is new might fail to make the same impression.
Have you ever offered to take your child someplace only to be rebuffed on account of your disability? Do your children seem mortified when seen in public with you?
What options and/or coping strategies do parents who find themselves in this situation have to successfully guide their children? Some may argue that such is life and advise kids to simply grin and bear it, or to outgrow their sensitivities. However, in the event that this call for stoicism produced little change, how would you combat the labels, opinions, and overall attitudes based on disability bias that cause this problem?
Realistic fiction for children and young adults is one source from which character-building lessons can be gleaned. A child or youth may read a story that involves the trials and triumph of a character who is similarly conflicted and with whom s/he can relate.
Any other suggestions are encouraged.
Before I answer, I want to know are you looking for discussion, or trying to complete an assignment of some kind?
An assignment? No.
The acquaintance mentioned in the first post is not hypothetical. The situation happens often enough, the emotions and conflict are based on real life.
I overheard a discussion between the aforementioned father and several people. The poor fellow was looking for advice but none had any to impart. Though some did refer him to a family therapist.
But it would have been great if he had come away with helpful insight to his situation after opening up as he did to so-called professionals. I thought of a number of solutions to offer him, children’s literature being one.
I myself am not a parent but I am familiar with the experience of vision loss and its aftermath.
His listeners simply heard him out. I am unsure if their failure to give feedback was due to ignorance or an inability to fully empathize. They lacked experience with blindness. I am certain parents blind from birth are able to sense the mental turmoil felt by a parent in such a predicament. But I cannot say just how much they can comprehend.
Feel free to discuss or share your thoughts, offer solutions, advice, &c.
Well, there really isn't anything I can add to this discussion because I am not a parent yet, nor am I completely sure I want to be one yet some day. But I do find this topic interesting and will read it as hopefully some experienced parents can add their experiences and bits of advice to it. That is one question I never really considered and I don't know if there is in fact a way you can direct your child in the direction of thought about having a disabled parent that would be appropriate to the parent.
I myself, am not a parent yet, at least, not a full parent. My boyfriend has a little girl who is two years old and I often wondered if this could happen with my own children, of course hoping that it doesn't, but I would like to hear coping strategies or whatever you guys could offer.
I would consult with either or both of the main consumer groups -- the NFB or the ACB; start with their national headquarters. I believe the main line for the NFB is (410) 659-9314 or 9317. If you can find local chapters of either group, you'll probably find tons of blind parents, both adventitiously blind and blind from birth, that you/he can talk to in order to figure this out. I say all this because I'm not a parent nor will I be, but I know of or know quite a few couples where one or both parents are blind. For the most part, I think they handle the situations that arise rather well, but I honestly believe that if you're adapted to blindness when young or from the starting gate, you'll probably do better overall in terms of confidence, but that's if you're raised in an environment where you're treated as equally as possible.
I did experience this from female siblings growing up, so it should not have surprised me when my own daughter began this when she was around 12. All of a sudden, overnight, she went from daddy's little bud to near disowning. Much of this is normal, but in this case, she was worried people would stare. Yes, in a culture that even talks about fatherless ness in their schools, this devoted father who is also blind was left on the outside on this one. If I had had a son, I'd have told him to buck up, be a man and such. But right or wrong, I caved to society's pressure to have her emotions. We place a premium on a girl's emotions after all. And if I'd insisted upon my own way in this situation, it would have meant one more teenage battle, and the father-daughter outings would have been a chore, not what we had planned.
Was I right or wrong? Depends on who you ask, I guess. Those who put their foot down would see me as having been weak. Those who put a premium on a girl's emotions would say I did right, perhaps. Me, I simply do not know. She's 19 now, lives on her own, and doesn't exhibit this attitude anymore. If she does, at her age now, I'd tell her she's gotten too big for that.
You probably did the right thing Leo. I would just always be open and talk to the kid about it, ask them why they feel the way they do and then just explain to them that this isn't something we chose to have happen to us because no one in their right mind would choose to be blind, but this is the reality with which we are left to deal. We can just tell them to deal with it the way we do, or the way they'd deal with any other problem, it won't always hopefully be this way. If they're past 18, and they've lived with you their whole life, yeah, I'd probably tell them to grow up as well. I agree with JohnD though about the networking with nab or ACB and I also think that if you've raised your kid their whole life, and have showed them positive sides to blindness, they will probably be les likely to have this phase of embarrassment last long.
Oh she knew about blinder not getting in the way. It was just plain old fear of what strangers would think. Teenage girls are so self-absorbed that they would sell their ailing grandmother to keep from being embarrassed. We as a society make all sorts of exceptions to make it all ok for them to act like this. Had I fought it, I would have gone against everything she was getting from everybody else, and a teenage girl is totally incapable of seeing reason with these things. I never told her how it made me feel, because, again, it would naturally come back to her feelings and her embarrassment. Most parenthood magazines and fatherhood publications rationalize the teenage girl's behavior, and speak of their fragility. Naturally, if they are so fragile, one can't have these types of rational conversations.
Naturally, I would not tell her now, or ever, because it would be pointless. But I would be disingenuous if I didn't warn other parents or potential parents about this. I know one guy who is processing this as part of his decision of whether or not he wants to father children. I think that's great: the more information one has going into it, the better.
I'm not gonna lie to you: few things hurt worse as a parent. You just have to be brave and bear through the 6 years or so. You can, especially if you take what all the literature is saying: girls need all this listen and validate only. The only other group we treat like this are infants. So all this exceptions-making we do for girls and their emotions indicates they're uniquely infantile in their emotions. They grow out of it eventually, usually when they have to see the real world for themselves.
I don't know, Leo. I don't totally agree with your assessment of the teenage girl's "fragile" state and how it should be dealt with. Are teenage girls overly emotional? Yes. Are they overly dramatic? Certainly.
Should they be given a reality check despite their irrationality? Yes. They most certainly should--and their emotional state is no excuse for treating their family members in questionable ways--especially their parents, in terms of being embarrassed to be seen with them. I see your view on this matter as pretty sexist, as you say yourself that had you had a son, you'd have told him to suck it up perhaps, but since she's a girl, you left it alone.
I think that all of us, no matter our age or gender need to know how to overcome awkward situations at times, including those involving our parents. I think that kids should be made aware of their parents feelings as well, because in today' society, kids are raised in a "me-centric" world. It's what I feel that matters. How I want it that matters, and so forth. A family consists of not only the kids, but the adults, and all shouldbe aware of one anothers feelings regarding a difficult situation, and the situation at hand should beup for discussion and resolution amoung the family members in question. That's how we instill compassion and understanding in kids regarding different disabilities.
I mean: not to beat a dead horse here or anything, but let's look at it this way. The kid isn't embarrassed to have blind dad putting a roof over their head. The kid isn't embarrassed to have blind or disabled mom or dad feeding him or her, taking care of him or her, financing and even sacrificing a livelihood for him and her...But the kid then gets embarrassed to be seen with this caretaker, protector and provider--disabled or not--because of what people will say?
My point is, I know this will probably come up with my son--I'm sure of it. Teenage kids get embarrassed by parents over smaller things even--whether they have a disability or are perfectly capable. But in my view, if you teach a kid to get over the staring and the idiocy of others, you teach the kid: A. Compassion in the face of adversity, B. that they dont' always have to fit in and being different isn't the end of the world, and c. that a disabled family member isn't something to be ashamed of, period. I dont' care if the feelings pass in a few years or not. If a kid is taught that from the getgo, the lesson is more valuable than if they come to that particular realization themselves.
I'd consider it rude if my kid told me " mom, I cant' be seen with you in public because your blind and people stare." I wouldn't be mean to him, but I'd remind him--and I will when the time comes--that this blind mom was just as able to take care of him as a sighted mom who takes care of her kids. I'd remind him of all of the things we have that are special to our bond and all of the things we have done and will continue to do as a family without the input of the judgmental onlookers. I don't think my son owes me anything, and I certainly won't hold it over his head that we are taking care of him as two totally blind parents, but I consider being reluctant to be seen in public with your disabled parents for fear of staring to be disrespectful. I see that issue as a teaching moment--and an opportunity to become closer as a family--to overcome the obstacles together. I agree that this sort of emotion shouldn't be left unacounted for, but I dont' agree that nothing should be done to counteract it or to overcome it.
Each person deals with difficult situations involving their kids in their own way, so there's not really a universal right or wrong here. It's just how I would (and probably will) deal with the issue when it comes up with my son.
I can see completely what you're saying. Maybe I was sexist, but I did not Start this way. Only for years and years over and over I was fold from many sources, progressive and otherwise, girls have it harder, they can't, or shouldn't be expected to any number of things. I was in the end more like a fish caught in a whirlpool. I do wish it could have been different. I started with the ideals you mentioned, at heart I am an egalitarian, but any time I tried to do this, I was met with being told girls aren't like that or need to wait and see, and so forth. Again, at this point in life, I do not know. I'm sure this is hard for many to understand, and I don't blame those who don't or won't.
It would only be easier with a son, not because of biology, but because of the culture we live in. If this were a male centric culture, I expect a mother would have the same difficulties with her son. Again, not biology but societal expectations. If being so brazen as to acknowledge this very real situation makes me a sexist, I guess the Latina mother who told me of a similar situation she faced in her own country with her son, would make her sexist too. Since I've now had my own situation, I had the freedom to empathize.
I don't know. I see people as people. Those people who tell you that girls should be protected because of this or that are fools. that's like saying us blind people should be protected because we have it harder. To me, it's a no brainer. Kids should be taught the same morals and lessons no matter their gender. We don't live in the nineteen twenties anymore. And girls, because of their emotional complexities, shouldn't be allowed to trample someone elses emotions and standards--especially if that someone is their parent. I'm not saying thisis the case with your daughter, leo, because from your posts over all, she seems like a very nice, smart, levelheaded girl.
But in most situations that sort of idea: that girls should be protected and let their emotional phases pass would result in raising a brat--an entitled one. I know because that's how my two younger cousins are treated--not only because their girls but because they lost their mother to cancer ten years ago. They've been allowed to act out and be irrational and get away with things normally others couldnt' get away with, and the end result is entitled kids who lack respect. Maybe this is a bit far fetched in terms of the situation described on this thread, but it's relatable in my view. On a human level, we're all equal, no matter age and gender. We all have emotions--some of us more sensative than others, but we should all be tought to be aware of the fact that each of us do have emotions. We should all be tought to hold ourselves accountable in some way.
Had I a son or a daughter whose mom died of cancer, I'm not gonna lie to you: I'd have made the same permissive mistakes, because the emotional fragility argument and the thinking that a fathers role is to mainly be validation in that case. 1920s? I've read no parenting info from that time. This fragility argument is all new, and has everything to do with girls not having gotten the kind of support they needed in previous generations. I think a lot of sympathetic human beings fell for this. Sympathetic, but now confused.
I'll illustrate: since I was a teenager, I'd always heard from girls that they wished their dad's understood, and we're comfortable talking about, their monthly cycle. Certainly sounds reasonable, doesn't it? Any human being with a heart would show a little understanding. Only now as a dad you may be called downright creepy for being aware, doing some things to ease the situation if there's a particularly bad month, maybe suggest she take the night off, take a bath and relax. It was creepy that I knew. That's just one example.
The fault isn't her or your relatives I hadn't seen kids referred to as 'brats' since the 80s. No, I think it's us: generation X, better named Generation Confused. So much so that even you mistook what came from progressive parenting info for something from the 1920s.
Doubtless you too will give it your best shot, attempt to avoid the pitfalls of those who went before, and question the results. Teen years are confusing for parents, too, and however you navigate it, you feel less certain as you go along.
The responses so far have been educational and informative, that’s something to be grateful for. Your honesty is likewise appreciated.
These gender-specific issues seem inconsequential at first with regard to this subject. A lot of the ordeals school-age kids confront enter their lives indiscriminately. But it is easy to see how masculinity and femininity could potentially complicate things.
If I ever find myself in this situation, I’d probably emphasize the positive, get a better grasp of my child’s concerns, and cautiously help him or her to see things differently. Some sort of age-appropriate disability simulation game could be used to demonstrate differences between parents and parenting styles, simple enough for a child or teen to comprehend. Highlighting the many forms of shameful adult behavior, emphasizing undesirable qualities through cautionary tales, and various other relevant examples could prove beneficial to a teen and offer critical thinking skills along with an opportunity to strengthen the parent-child bond.
Clearly there are other more appropriately embarrassing things a parent can be for a confused child than disabled. More exposure to personality types, lifestyles, and disabilities would have the same contrasting effect.
You bring up some valid points. What I was trying to illustrate is this can hit you from left field. And yes, I violated a few taboos in the process, like my friend who wrote Zeus is a God on the front door of his Catholic high school. But that's not how it started.
I started out totally gender neutral on every issue, having adopted the party line in fine form like many others on here. As to disability, I went about things naturally, not making any issue out of any of it. Thinking, just like nudity or anything else, if you don't make a big deal out of it, neither will they. And in fact, that all worked wonderfully throughout her early childhood. It's not hard to do this: as parents we're focused on the child's needs and the child's upbringing. So when this finally did happen, it was something direct out of left field. Was I right or wrong to take a naturalized approach like I did, not making any issue out of disability at all? Who's to say.
As to Bernadetta's teachable moment. I know this is a big buzz word in the parenting community. My opinion of it is, they're awesome and I am like a brick, I never ever thought of them in time. if the moment passes, the thinking is, you can't use that teachable moment anymore, it's gone.
If anything, I hope your topic has brought this to people's minds ahead of time so they can plan for it, as apparently Bernadetta has. I'll admit right off I had no such plans, went along with the status quo, and only in recent years have really challenged any of this, at least under the anonymity of the Internet. And I certainly understand how people will rise to the occasion, to spectacular proportions, to see that the status quo gets its proper defense.
I have both boys and one girl, and I understand they are different in temperament, but I never gave my daughter any slack for being female when it came to things like this.
I did talk to her about her monthly, and because I started it, I was the parent that took care of all her medical issues up until she was 16, even getting her first birth control, because she ask.
Nothing female was off limits to me to talk about, and we had other girls stay in our house from time to time as well, and it was the same for them too.
Her mother was in her life completely, it was just how it worked out.
Now to the question.
I didn’t experience embarrassment, and I think the reason was, if kids at school, or other places said things about me, they’d see me in the neighborhood or when they visited our house, doing things their dads couldn’t do
I shouldn’t say couldn’t do, wouldn’t do, because all were visual, and with no disabilities that were apparent.
I’d repair bicycles, cars, you name it. Not only for my kids, but others as well. I’d make a point of going to the parent teacher meetings and such things, so that is probably what made the difference.
I liked to work in my yard, polish my car in the driveway, grill, and was visible doing.
For others, I don’t think there is anything you can do about it but talk to the child, and allow them to understand you don’t accept it.
I don’t expect every blind parent to be doing so to speak, but you probably should go to school plays, and just be around, so you are seen, that will help.
Your spouse’s attitude, if they are sighted makes a world of difference as well.
It is very possible for a sighted person to be with a blind person, but not exactly be easy about it.
When your child is embarrassed, she or he has to make a point of showing they are not, and talk to the child about it as well.
Have the kid’s friend visit your home sometimes that helps greatly, because they get to learn how you do things, because you are just naturally doing in your house.
The rest is regular, like if your parent drinks too much or something.
I'd like to add, I don't believe you should try to be something you are not. Also, I will say no matter what, it will hurt, so don't feel bad because it does.
The one thing a parent must accept, is they brought the child in to the world, and that child owes you nothing but general respect. After that and when that child becomes grown, he or she decides if they are going to be your friend or not.
I believe we have kids for the pleasure of family, and to bring someone up, and to enjoy that, but after they get grown, or of there own mind, you have to understand this and do as any friend would do that is being mistreated, tell them about it.
I absolutely love this post. It is very informative. Thank you, I learned a lot.
Sorry I've got nothing to add.
I looked over it again.
I realize just how confusing thigs are for us as parents. Not only the disabled thing. I am very reticent to give any kind of advice anymore. I wonder if we parents have gotten too much advice. Whether it's the new stuff telling us about the emotions and all that, or backlash coming from people like Bernadetta. My Latina friend who faced the opposite issue in her home country faced the same type of insensitive backlash to it, and for that I could totally empathize.
What do I really think?
Most people, who are not too dedicated to ideals and dogmas, really do try to help their kids. It's as much a learning experience for parents as it is for kids. Of course it all went missing for some people when I said it's like being a fish in a whirlpool. But it's really true. I read and empathized with an article a couple months ago for new parents, telling them to not read so much of the parenting articles. Sounds bad on the face of it, but I totally agree. We want to be informed, and what more important situation than raising your kids would you want to be informed about?
This topic and my experience not just in life but with some posters on here should illustrate this for you beautifully. I always did try to take things with a grain of salt, but we are biased: we want the best for our kids, and if something really does look to be sound we go along with it for them.
Only there is so much noise on the subject of parenting. And whatever path you happen to see as the one that might work out for you, you will get people who respond just like Bernadetta did here to me: looks like a good argument and of course uphold one set or other of ideals.
All I can really say is, I'm quite sure when I was younger I waxed quite elephant as to what I would or wouldn't do, and weighed in on things I had not yet encountered. You hold the soft end while you dish that stuff out. It's the hard end that you get coming back to you.
So, as I told a younger cousin of mine on the Facebook, maybe unfriend people that constantly give you parenting 'advice' full of ideals and ridiculing you of being something you never wrere, or from an era you were never from, or any number of other inaccuracies. Parenting is difficult enough, and the fear of failure is something every parent lives with daily.
And yet, most parents I know really are trying to do the best they can by their kids. You hold your kid's feet to the fire? Now you're not being sensitive to their emotions. You do everything gender neutral? Now you are not being sensitive to the special needs of the girls. You be lax in certain areas? Now you are creating that antiquated term 'brats.'
Except ... you know it's not true: you are doing the best job you can with what you've got. Making mistakes, sure. We all do it, our parents did it, their parents did it.
Only now, because of so much information, often competing information from credible sources, you feel like you are in vertigo.
I'm not kidding: I congratulate parents who take a hiatus from reading parenting stuff. It's clearly not science. And, if you have a real issue, you'll go look that up and find out about that particular subject.
Your critics will someday eat their words, because for every one of us you start out one way, and things change: they always do. That's when the 'I would never' turns into 'I do it all the time, there seems to be no alternative right now, and I can't believe I was so silly as to say I would never'.
Barring illicit and harmful acts, of course.
I've seen intelligent people check this stuff out and decide for a child-free lifestyle. While I love my daughter dearly, I do understand how people can come to that conclusion. But for parents, what you think you believe now, just might get changed, gradually, over time, by what looks like popular and credible sources.
Meanwhile, take a break from the parenting literature and forums on the Internet, especially the most idealistic future-tellers who seem to, unlike the rest of us, know exactly how they're going to act in ten years . Your world might get quieter, and you'll be able to be more direct at looking for something for which you really do have an honest question, and find a way to enact in compromise with your partner / co-parent.
Brilliantly said, Leo.
Yes. Smile. Good post.
Many teenagers have a desirre to fit in. Most teenagers don't have to carre for their parents and don't have disabled parents.
There are examples of blind and disabled parents having helpful children. One of our Eurovision contestants Jade Ewen has disabled parents. There are young carers organisations for people who have disabled parents. I think in those organisations one may find out the typicality of the attitudes described in the first post on this thread.
Correlation is not causation, however. Not all children of disabled parents have had to care for their parents.
My only disability being blindness, I was very judicious in seeing that she not 'care for me'. Where this is unavoidable, it is understandable. But it is for the parents to care for the children, and not the other way around.
It simply doesn't follow that a disabled parent requires that their able bodied child do things other than clean their room, get their butt to class, and all the other irritating things we parents ask of teenagers.
I wholeheartedly agree with your last post, leo. A hundred percent.
I know a lady that is in that position. She expects her daughter to do simply to much for her, in my opinion.
It causes problems.
Nothing wrong with asking a child to do you a favor though, but there is a limit.
what's too much, wayne? I"m genuinely curious. My parents weren't disabled
but i had almost all the chores around, including folding their laundry... so I'm
curious to know
Eeeww, having to fold Dad's whity tighties? Poor kid. lmao.
Seriously though, There is a term for what we're discussing. It's called parentification. I've observed quite allot of it but not in my direct peer group.
One funny observation is that if my son is giving me sighted guide, he's very careful. If he is guiding my hubs, he'll just run him into any old thing. lol Not that he gives us a ton of sighted guide but my mom noticed that one day when we were all out together. Poor hubs.
I would say, if the parent has a piss poor attitude about blindness, and has her sighted kid doing household chores because she, the mother, thinks she can't do them, that qualifies as placing too much on a child.
this is a real life example of a story I heard told, just a few months ago.
I know it happens with sighted parents too, but seems the child takes it worse when the parent is disabiled.
The guiding thing, well, that's just a man thing.
Be careful with the girl, the dude, well... Smile.
Yep. At least I know he'll treat the ladies with respect. lol
Yes, Chelsea, I agree hole heartedly. Conversely though, I have to say that I've probably over compensated where my little munchkin is concerned. I've always been so afraid of him, or others, thinking I have him doing stuff because we're blind and can't. Now that he's 10, we're starting to put more age appropriate responsibility on him. I figure he's way advanced in some areas but not so much in others. However, in talking with my sighted friends, that's just a 10-year-old boy thing.
I think, how your children think about you as a parent with or without disability is very much related to how you, as a parent think about your disability, and how, you, as a parent educate your children about disability from the day go. No point starting the conversation when they are 11, 14, or even 8, but start the conversation as early as you can.
Yes, every teenager will have that period of questioning their identity in the society and their identity within their parents. If you ask 100 teenagers that got a full able body parents, you will more than likely to get at least 50 of the participants ashame or embarras of their parents in a certain period of time in their little teenager life.
I do just want to add here that I know plenty of kids who get embarrassed by their non-disabled parents.
and it is usually for the simple reason that they are their parents and are not the same as their friends.
parents listen to different music, have different views on life and are often just generally seen as almost a different species to teenagers especially. It is often natural for growing children to want to distance themselves a little from their parents.
Not wanting to detract from this guys concerns, but, it is highly likely that his kids might not want him to go some place with them even if he were sighted.
I agree, but disabled parents have an added thing. I also agree with Joanne's accessment, and have experienced this.